


Dork Soulstuck

by Kiaryn_Ledgem



Category: Dark Souls (Video Games), Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, June Egbert - Freeform, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2020-09-05 22:04:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20280556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiaryn_Ledgem/pseuds/Kiaryn_Ledgem
Summary: Dork Soulstuck is an AU where Sburb is replaced by Dark Souls as the paradox space game.What is linearity?





	1. The Coffin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our heroic dorks have recently traversed the Huntsman's Copse and defeated its boss, the Skeleton Lords. Instead of progressing forward into a poisonous swamp, Rose convinced them to retread old ground. There is nothing good waiting up that windmill anyway. So they return to Things Betwixt, the starting area, and this happens.

John Egbert stands in on the edge of an ashy-beach overlooking an endless tide of black water faintly illuminated by a distant pale moon. Countless stone pillars dot the sea, sprouting tall to support the land overhead. It had been a while since they’d ventured back this way, to the beginning of the game. John never would have thought to return, had Rose not pointed it out.

Dave is behind John, on the opposite end of the beach inspecting the area for any sort of reward. There had to be something, right? Two big ogres wouldn’t just stand guard over _nothing_ would they?

Of course they would. Dead ends are exceedingly common in this game.

“hey i found something. a huge coffin that looks like it fell out of the bonewheel truck on the way to bone town. imma open it john you better get ready for another fight cause after those big boys anything in here’s gonna be the big time bone boy here to wreck our bones. like what the ogres did to jade only with more bone crunching action. speaking of jade they should be back by now right like the bonfires two seconds away. howd they die anyway they’re a god damn wizard ive seen them blow up ogres in one shot.”

“oh yeah she’s hanging out over there. sorry they. that’s still weird to say but yeah over there with rose. she taught jade how to do the clipping thing with the riposte thing that lets them do the floaty thing. man I wish i could do the floaty thing.”

John waves to his friends. Rose and Jade wave back before disappearing once more behind one of the many rocky piers ascending from the depths.

“they are gonna miss out on some big bone action. its gonna be just us two dudes and a giant bone person”

“dude that’s pretty gay”

“nah dude the bone person could be anyone and even if he is a guy it’s just two dudes boning a bone man with their swords nothin gay about it”

“yeah well i’m using hammers anyway i’ll crush the bones to nothing. lets just get this over with i don’t like this place for some reason.”

“alright im opening it up get ready for”

The coffin contains...

“absolutely nothing. just another troll left by the trolls in this ancient dead troll kingdom. the bones of the troll skeletons are rattling as we speak over how boned we are for falling for their troll bone trap.”

Dave hops into the coffin.

“uh, dude, why’d you jump into that sarcophagus”

“iunno man something just told me to try it. you know this messed up game world is filled with weird shit i thought maybe if i sat in here some skeletons would rise out of the water like a bunch of washed up cursed pirates and take me to a secret underwater boat where the real bonelord captain was wait a second something feels off where’s my…”

“um are you all right you sound different”

Dave pops out of the coffin, examines himself, and subtly shifts position to ensure he is not facing John.

“yeah im fine totally cool everything is good and normal and this coffin is just empty and not makin me question everything i knew all over again.”

Before John can even try to go along with this blatant lie, the big boy boss appears. Dave and John are forced to fight the Pursuer, a phantom swordsman and recurring boss they’ve trounced on at least three occasions already. They trounce it a fourth.

The easy battle still took some time, however, due to bloated HP values, and forced Dave to think about things a little bit. Those thoughts led to him immediately jumping back into the coffin while John picked up the loot from the Pursuer’s ectoplasmic explosion. When all is done, John returns to a Dave climbing out of the coffin with a sigh of relief.

“oh thank god that was reversible.”

“what?”

“oh nothin. not some terrible cursed stony prison that makes you ask new questions whose answers are that yeah. no, that was definitely never the problem and you know i guess if im bein honest it was a good question to answer. one less thing to worry about in the never ending series of confusing questions about who i am and what it means.”

“oh. to me it kinda sounded like that sarcophagus made your voice all girly and you had a very different missing bone person problem if you know what i mean heheh”

“yeah dude thats right the coffin was the anti-bone zone, the zone where bones cease to be. that coffin is passed down like a skeleton fairy tale where parent skeletons tell their bone babies so they won’t wander into mysterious troll ruins and be annihilated by anti-boner magic. it’s like the ultimate combo of being cremated and buried at the same time theres no bones left and you can reuse the coffin for the next bad bone boy. lets get the heck out of here im sick of bones.”

Dave starts the walk up hill and back to the bonfire and John follows.

Then John stops, turns back, and stares at the coffin. Then back to Dave. Then back to the coffin.

Dave walks out of sight.

John steps back down to the beach and stares out at the ocean. The pillars loom over him. Neither Jade nor Rose are in sight.

John tries to swallow the sharp pain of confused feelings in his throat. What’s the worst that could happen? He probably thinks to himself.

John enters the coffin.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is magic real?


	2. Dificulty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose and Jade bond as they discuss the nature of the game their introspections on gender granted by The Coffin. 
> 
> Also they meet up with a confused sad Egbert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course magic is real just look at Jade! Too bad they're a Wizard of the Deep and not a Witch of Space here otherwise they might actually figure out the delicious secrets of the infinite sea.

Some time has passed, and our floating protagonists return from fruitless adventure among ocean and stone.

“Ok, perhaps this was not the most convincing argument in favour of clipping “out of bounds” from the game’s projected path, but I had to know if anything else existed out here. This is where we first appeared after all, before our memories ceased to recollect anything beyond vague notions of an engulfing whirlpool flooding our respective houses upon hitting the “play” button on John’s 16th birthday.”

“his taste certainly changed over the past few years to choose this. after that builder game turned out to be a hoax the games became much edgier!”

“That is not the subject of import I was referring to.”

“yes, but i think the answer to your question may involve talking to your friends more and wandering off on your own less”

“Perhaps, but the point I was attempting to reach is that if there is any way to return home, it might be found where we all woke up. Unfortunately this does not appear to be the case and I do not trust those hags are being entirely truthful about the end result of our endeavors should we complete the game normally. I have neither died nor used the fires they keep and I have no intention of doing either thanks.”

“you do seem to be exceptionally good at this! i have died so many times now :)”

“Not good enough to have resisted the Herald’s exchange of souls for power. I’m certain she is hiding something from us, but. Hm. How are you dying so much still. I have witnessed your skills with the dark arts and been both humbled and inspired. Those ogres should not have posed a threat.”

“i have a curiosity is all. it is not everyday that you get to die an survive the experience!”

“I suppose death is meaningless in this world. I could see the benefit in learning to deal with the pain and chancing a glimpse at the other side before reappearing as a zombie. Perhaps I am afraid of not being the same me when I return…”

“the wooshing feeling is quite fun and i have done it enough to say it doesn’t change who you are. your infinite item trick also means we never have to worry about being zombies either!”

“You say that, but just recently you have also become non-binary. A decision I respect, mind you, but one that still caught me by surprise.”

“it is less a decision and more of a feeling rose. when i found that coffin it helped me realise things. things like how gender is fake. why are there only two? why should anyone be stuck as one or the other? have you tried it yet Rose?”

“Of course. I’ve been trying it this entire time”

Rose winks.

“:o i did not even notice!”

“It’s as you said. Gender is fake. Though at the same time, I think it may also be real. It's also part of the reason I didn’t tell Dave about what the coffin did because if I had he would never have tried it. I can’t wait to hear about his experience”

“that is a little mean”

“It’s all in good fun I assure you. Besides, it will expedite his learning experience.”

“ not everyone has to learn as quickly as you do in fact they need to go at their own pace sometimes!”

“I suppose. Anyway…”

They reach the shore and allow gravity to enact its laws once more. Rose approaches the coffin.

“As I was saying, gender seems to be paradoxically real and fake at the same time. For example, I have had a clawing feeling of something being ‘off’ this entire time I have been a ‘boy’. Despite the appearance that deceived you, all of the local residents of Majula saw through me and while there were certainly some benefits, it was disconcerting. To put it simply, I felt wrong. I have often rejected the femininity imposed upon me, yet, attempting to remove all of what would be societally considered female did not appeal to me at all. In fact, it felt rather miserable when not distracted by this game world. I think I will be switching back now; I can’t imagine having to go through this for much longer than these past few days.”

“oh! hi john!”

John is sitting behind the coffin, hugging his knees and staring out to sea. He glances towards Jade before returning his gaze upon the solemn view.

“oh. hi jade”

“Ah, I had assumed you would have left with Dave. Did either of you try to lie in this mysterious container?”

“dave did”

“He did, did he? And how would you describe his reaction”

“i dunno, he made some jokes. good old dave. are you guys done with the floaty thing?”

“Of course he did. And yes John, we are done doing ‘the floaty thing’. And nothing but yet more introspection was discovered in the process; nothing that would interest you. Shall we continue onwards through the game then?”

“oh, sure. i’ll catch up with you guys later.”

“Later?”

“john is something wrong? :(“

“no i’m fine yeah let’s go”

“Did _you_ enter the coffin John?”

“Whaaat? why would i do some thing like that? dave might have fallen for your chicanery but it’ll take more than that to out prank the master of japes!

“i think you should definitely try it at least once john :) it might be an enlightening new experience!”

“i think i’m good thanks. i saw what happened to dave. now let’s go beat up some more skeletons or knights or even skeleton knights.”

“Yes, lets. Together, the brilliant Priestess of Fraud, a powerful Wizard of the Deep, and a strapping young lad with a massive hammer will retrieve the Mumbling Knight and return to their quest to collect the ‘lord souls’ which will hopefully return them to their home dimension. Oh, and before I forget”

Rose slips in and out of the coffin.

“Ah, much better”

“huh?”

“Don’t worry about it John. Just more boring gender nonsense”

And so they left together, with John looking back occasionally until the coffin vanished from view.

Egbert sighs quietly to themselves.

Jade puts an arm around John’s shoulder and radiates cheerfulness.

He forces a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get back in the coffin, Egbert!


	3. Makes Sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The humans have physically moved on from the coffin and are raiding the Earthen Peak, the toxic hellhole of the world. For some reason the bosses here have relatable or even prophetic backstories. Will these dorks conquer the impossible tower and their emotions?
> 
> Yes, one of them at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They really shouldn't have picked this area. At least stay away from the elevator Rose.

Adventuring together, the four heroes combined are an unstoppable force against the undead hoards of men and troll and skeleton alike. They had to take the long way due to Rose’s refusal to sit at any bonfires, and thus inability to simply warp.

“Don’t get me wrong, I understand the merit. I simply do not trust the means by which you teleport; your corporeal body disintegrates into the fires and recuperates miles away in what is quite possibly an entirely new body and perhaps even _mind_. Besides; the journey allows us discover missed treasure and alternate paths. We never would have found that chariot riding skeleton otherwise.”

“yeah it’s totally wicked that we found more bones, i almost went a whole hour without being up to my elbows in bones. felt so good to be pushed into a two headed horse’s hooves by a bunch of boners”

“If I didn’t know any better dave, I’d believe your desire to be trampled upon by a majestic beast, edged on by your boney compatriots as they watch you die and eagerly run back for more”

“no! i do not want to hear your bone sarcasm anymore! we are done fighting skeletons!”

“sorry jade. i thought that bridge would takes us away from the bone zone. i keep messing up”

“it is ok john you could not have known it would be a dead end filled with skeletons, and i did get more powerful spells from the imp running the area, so it was a good thing we came here John!!

“Yes, we would not have improved Jade’s spellbook so thoroughly without encountering the bone colosseum manager so there is no need to be so down, John. Your tricksy skills were also invaluable to revealing the boss’ weak point as well. ”

“yeah dude its fine you know me an my rants

“you’re right sorry…”

Egbert finds the façade of happiness is difficult to maintain in this noxious place the party’s found themselves in. Swamp muck and poisonous fumes erupt from the earth while windmills spin loudly overhead. This land is a cacophony for both the ears and the nose, toxic for both body and brain. Only Rose’s holy magic is keeping them safe in the tense silence of combat and trudging forward.

A well placed goofy boss encounter is just the thing they need for the tension to finally collapse, and that’s exactly what happens when they enter the central windmill. A large grotesque slug of a man waddles towards towards the group, rolling and flopping and slobbering around the room like a slimy hairless pug while they casually outpace it.

Rose can’t help but laugh which lets her guard down. _That’s when it strikes._

With a mighty leap it dives straight for her! Egbert attempts to throw their hammer at it in desperation but it gobbles it right up before doing the same with Rose.

Suddenly the thing isn’t so funny anymore. To our heroes, anyway.

“GIVE! HER! BACK!” Jade cries as they unleash every last spell they know at the beast. It writhes in an explosion of blue flames and black tendrils. 

As the dust clears it lies dead before breathless Jade.

“so much for her deathless run” dave quips.

“It, *cough* pains me, to hear you give up on me so easily, Dave”

The demon’s body crumples to ash in a flash of brilliance. Rose stands within its charred corpse in shredded robes and rusting armour, its soul flickering with ethereal light in her palm. She examines its essence.

“Hm. This was once the soul of a troll whose unrequited love and distaste for themselves led to gluttony and eventually transformation into the monster we just destroyed. It spent centuries wallowing in self pity, unable to move past the self loathing its body.”

Rose crushes her fingers around the soul and extinguishes its final remnant of existence.

Dave looks down to his feet. Jade frowns. John looks down at the healing gem candy he’s halfway through eating.

“everytime you read the boss souls Rose it is always so depressing”

“most of these bosses have tragic backstories yeah, but not all the time jade”

“which boss had a- no! don’t you dare!”

“the bone lords were grinning from the start, living their best bone lives commanding… uh… bones? i need new material.”

“Yes, you do. Please work on it while I return to town; my holy magic was able to protect my body but my gear is in dire need of repairs. I will return shortly”

Rose finds a stray undead soldier to resume doing the floating thing on and youth rolls out the window. Jade watches with a sigh. John looks to them then to Dave, who shrugs.

They continue up the tower in silence, traversing through heinously placed death traps and yet more poison without the healer. On top of everything, headless puppet assassins are waiting in ambush at every turn.

“you know maybe the bone zone wasnt so bad i regret asking for new content”

“hey dave do you mind finishing off those dolls cause i don’t think we can keep running forever and there are half naked zombie ladies throwing explosions down this hallway”

“oh hey i think i found something!” Jade calls out from down the corridor.

“hold on jade it could be another trap”

“ooh a treasure chest!” are the last words they hear from around the corner, followed by a scream and a bloodcurdling shriek of alien joy.

Dave and John make a mad dash through a rain of fire to catch up to Jade only to be greeted by outstretched limbs extending from a toothy treasure chest that just finished gobbling their body and is hungry for more.

“_who designed this horrible place none of this architecture makes any goddamn sense_”

The remaining players are forced to retreat down yet another narrow passage from the mimic’s inhuman laughter and still away from the cackling fire witches and you just _know_ the puppets would be giggling too if they had heads.

Eventually, at the cost of having to wade through more knee-high toxic sludge, the sounds die down and the enemies give up their chase. The poison seeps into their boots, through the skin, and gets absorbed by the bloodstream. John and Dave lean out of breath against the walls, slowly dying.

“great we gotta choose between a slow painful death from a poison bathtub or getting eaten alive by a box with fingers for teeth. guess we’ll be seein jade at the bonfire real soon eh john. john?”

John is keeping a close eye on the ripples of green liquid emanating from the center of the pool. A decapitated slender figure uncoils from the artifical swamp. From the waist down its body is snake-like and scaled. It pulls a horned head out of the muck by the hair and extends it towards the players. Somehow, the head has been perfectly preserved and its visage can be described as beautiful.

She opens her eyes, and despite the lack of throat, speaks.

This is the first time a boss encounter has ever spoken to either of them, and they act accordingly.

“huh?”

“YOu TWo ARe JUSt BUt YEt MORe PEASANTs HERe TO BASk In My BEAUTy, BUt My LOOKs ARe NOt MEANt FOr THe LIKEs Of YOu! I CONQUEREd THESe LANDs, I FOUNd ETERNAl YOUTh, I DEFEATEd THe EMPTINESs INSIDe My HUSk…"

She turns away and weeps. “Oh My DEAr IROn QUEEn, WHAt WAs It DIDNt YOu LIKe? THe LENGTHs I WENt To JUSt To FIt In WITh YOUr COURt! WHy Is My BODy NEVEr GOOd ENOUGh? WHy Do My ACOMPLISHMENTs FEEl So HOLLOw?"

She turns back round, massive spear in hand as Dave tries to slink away. She narrowly misses his neck with a swipe as her voice fills with rage once more.

“INSOLENCe! JOIn In YOUr QUEENs SUFFERINg! OFf WITh YOUr HEAds!”

She makes another attempt on Dave’s life and John watches bewildered. For some reason this all resonates with them. But at the same time?

It just makes them angry.

“YOU LOOK FINE!” Egbert shouts in battlecry as they bash her in the back with one of many backup hammers.

“AAGh!”

“…for a weird, snake troll dullahan.”

She loses her grip and the screams muffle as her head plops into the pool. The body continues to fight without its head but lacks the coordination to take out an adrenalin fueled Strider and the aggravated Egbert. The battle ends swiftly and with the killing blow a flare of arcane energy glows and bubbles beneath the toxic waters. Her soul squirms to the surface and dissipates with a whimper.

The friends look to each other and share a delirious victory laugh on the cusp of a poisonous death.

“SOOTHING SUNLIGHT!”

“looks like we got back just in time!”

“But not in time enough to see the fight; good job you two for defeating Baneful Queen without draining her chambers.”

“oh dont tell me we did this whole fight feeling nauseous for no goddamn reason”

Jade glows with a menacing aura and impish grin. Dave and John look down to see the sludge receeding enough that

“i set the windmill on fire! aaaand took care of all the enemies you left behind. what kind of knight leaves their friends behind like that?”

“ok that first part doesn’t make any sense this tower is made of stone and metal and why would fire even make the poison go away but second you were dead and i wasnt gonna join you in that cause really I don’t like leaving dead daves around. its like dejavu every time i respawn, as if rose was right and i’m losin a part of myself except its also haunting the world with ghost daves. can you imagine all those mes out there floating around?”

“I would rather not, but I am glad to see you beginning to understand my concerns. As for the poison, This game can be infuriating at times but generally it makes perfect sense; the innerworkings of the windmill are made of wood and they connect to an elaborate plumbing system which pumps poison out of the air to keep the mad queen eternally young and beautiful. Perfect sense.”

John steps away from the start of Rose's deep lore explanation and collects some of the poison before exploring on his own beyond the queen’s chambers. The alone time is a relief; just a short while ago he was all on his own, secluded to his room most of the day only to be dropped into near constant socialization. It’s more awkward in person too but he couldn’t say why. Oh hey what’s this?

Click

Iron bars close behind them. Woops. The metal box he now finds himself in begins to rise.

… and it just keeps going. Wasn’t this the top of a tower already?

…

It doesn’t appear to be slowing down anytime soon, so John sits against the bars and waits. The monotony forces John into his own head, but if that were enough for introspection, they wouldn’t be Egbert. But still, recent circumstances won’t leave his thoughts. why did that queen bother him? Hell even the slug demon. Then there was that coffin. And the poison… She said it made her beautiful. Maybe a little snake like. He wasn’t going to… use it was he? No. Of course not. It might just be a quest item. Or maybe someday they’ll meet a snake person and it’ll be the best skin lotion they’d ever dreamed of and then he’ll look like a genius for being one step ahead of the side quest.

John clenches his fists and shouts to the aether.

“arrgh! why doesn't anything make sense?! why isn’t this world fun it should be _fun_ every one _else_ is enjoying them selves! and why is it so hot all of a sudden!”

The elevator comes to a stop, then closes up and returns downwards after John exits. The heat here is unbearable and as they exit the building the smoke just makes everything worse. Egbert is now standing on the precipice of a fortress half-sunk into a sea of molten rock.

A moment later the rest of the group arrives and were about to ask John why he left, but they become distracted and join in staring at the lethal lava land before them.

Rose throws her arms in the air with gritted teeth and clawed fingers “NOTHING HERE MAKE SENSE!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned you about the elevator Rose.


	4. Rage Quit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose still refuses to bonfire, so she's taking the long way back while the rest of our heroes take on the Lost Bastille, a prison island containing... Ugh. And an old friend who's seen better days. Egbert meets them and learns what happens when you shut yourself off from the world instead of doing things even if sometimes you fuck up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose is going to say some weird obscure things about Bonfire Ascetics and the secret Lord Souls you can obtain using them. Rose, sequencing breaking into NG+ items on her first run? Why I never!

“you know im tryin jade i really am but the skeletons are everywhere. every corner every nook a bone person’s waitin in a silly pose. around that corner? skull bro huggling the wall, gently caressing it as the if land itself were a long lost lover they held each other so long his skin fell off. even in the lava factory just a perfectly preserved skeleton hangin off the ledge above a vat of molten metal that dude is clinging for dear life not to become part of someone’s sword or butt plate. the worst part jade is these are just the ones i notice there could be more that i havent seen. hundreds of passive boners just out of sight at every turn. theyre there watchin but you have no idea.

Jade crosses their arms and shakes their head. “dave you are being exceptionally paranoid and it is very tiring! there are bigger things to worry about than secret skeletons!”

The sound of jingling chains echoes down the hall, joined by a yelp from Egbert and a chain of explosions. Everything goes silent for a few seconds before they shout “im ok!”.

“ok ok you got a point there yes the exploding mummies are a much bigger issue in blue zombie alcatraz but prison islands always have secrets. like this over here.”

Dave points to an unassuming door, the same as any other door here. Except it was hidden behind a shelf of stacked barrels now scattered in rotting chunks of wood across the floor.

“good job dave you found another passage!”

“no jade wait, i have the worst feeling about this. a boney feeling”

“that is gross dave just open it”

Dave reaches out with a trembling hand and slowly twists the nob. A gentle tug and the rusty hinges crack slamming the door slams open.

A skeleton embedded in the wall greets them.

Jade’s eyes widen and they press their hands to their cheeks while dave, struggling to remain expressionless, closes the door as calmly as he can. Which isn’t very much because the door falls off its hinges from the shaking.

“ok lets go fight some exploding mummies”

“mhm! mhm!!”

They catch up with John, who is charred and covered in soot and supporting themselves by leaning on their hammer atop a pile of mummy corpses. Before them is a petrified troll in purple rags. Or perhaps just a statue; it’s difficult to tell sometimes.

It blocks the path to a jailcell containing a resting bonfire and treasure.

“oh hey guys, i cleared the room. should we free this guy he looks suspicious”

“ummm. i don’t see why not! the ones in town are very kind and the girl we freed before even taught me pyromancy!”

John digs around their inventory; oh how nice it is to have a streamlined, functional sylladex for once. Definitely one of the boons this game has granted for its players. Sure, theirs’s an arbitrary weight limit that makes it difficult to move sometimes but overall it is a significant improvement.

Ah, there we go, a fragrant branch of yore, plucked from one of many trees supporting the world. Supposedly. John squeezes the branch’s sap out over the stoned troll and within seconds of administration, they honk to life.

“aH, i Be MoThErFuCkIn FrEe! I mUsT tHaNk YoU, yOuNg TrAvElEr!”

John takes a step back and is filled with regret.

“it’s uh, no problem sir”

“cAlL mE sTrAiD tHe MoThErFuCkIn MaGiCiAn! I Be A wAnDeRiN mIrAcLe MaKeR yO! aTlEaSt BeFoRe I wAs So UnCeRaMoNiOuSlY iMpRiSoNeD bY tHe OlD qUeEn O lIfE! sHe WaS aLl KiNdS oF nAsTy To Me”

Somehow the smell of the room has gotten worse, and it was already full of combustible zombie flesh.

“wait, you are a wizard then? ” Jade steps forward to ask. There is regret in their face before they pinch their nose.

“cwould you teach me swome new hexes?”

“WhAt ThE hEcK’s A hEx? I dEaL iN mOtHeRfUcKiN’ mIrAcLeS. oRaNgE fLaVoUr, BlUe, ClAsSiC, gRaPe…”

“huh? but those aren’t-”

Jade is interrupted by the increasingly louder and more out of breath words of Rose doing the floaty thing through the window.

“I came as fast as I could! I hope I did not miss any ostentatious enemies this time. You would not believe how arduous the journey is from the pernicious magma world. I was however able to learn from the trip and the elvator in hindsight makes perfect sense really once you know- GAMZEE?”

Rose’s face 180s from the joy of lore to the rage of hellfires from whence she just arrived from, and divekicks with the incantation “WRATH OF GOD” directly into the awful merchant’s stomach.

Makara tumbles out of the prison’s cells crumbling infrastructure with a serious of cartoon sound effects and honks as his ‘miracles’ go off with each impact, ending in one titanic sploosh.

Rose casts a few lightning spears into the ocean after him for good measure.

“oh no! rose why did you do that?”

“yeah you seemed to know him even tho we just got here what the hell”

“I… well,”

Rose calms her clenched fists and gritted teeth with some breathing exercises.

“On my own, I happened upon a peculiar phenomenon where the generic doom demon whom bestowed upon us our first ‘great soul’ returned to life. I did not catch the one responsible but even with renewed invigoration I felled the monster on my own and gained a new soul which bestowed upon me more knowledge of this world. Tangentially, I now know that you three in my absence released upon the world one of the worst beings in this kingdom’s grand history.”

Egbert shrinks into themselves.

“i’m sorry rose”

“Hrm?”

“john, again, this place is full of traps! and it was me who pressured you”

“dude you gotta stop blaming yourself for everything this game world is designed to mess with you now dont you go running off again on your own trying to prove yourself cause you dont have to man we got your back oh and hes running off again john wait please”

Egbert’s friends give chase across a long bridge where a dozen undead archers lay in ambush on the farside tower. John makes it through as they ready their bows and shower the others in a virtual wall of arrows.

Not meaning to put anyone in danger, Egbert tries to find a way to take the ranged enemy out or at the very least distract them but woops, another exploding mummy sends them comically tumbling down onto a hazardous wooden pulley system. The rope holding everything up snaps.

“oh boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

The entire rigging falls into the abyss bellow.

* * *

John awakens to total darkness. They rub at their eyes to no avail, though the act of moving limbs hurts like hell.

“am i dead? like dead dead? did i run out of lives and now this shitty game put me in purgatory or something”

A glint of flame. “W)(o intrudes upon my solitude?”

“uh, me i guess. hello?”

“I don’t know )(ow you )(appened upon t)(is plaice, but you must leave.”

Egbert tries to get up but his legs just twitch with numbness.

“im not sure i could if i wanted to. hold on maybe i can heal this…”

“O)(“

The figure in the darkness audibly smells the air.

“Yes, you are sardonically finjured *sniff*, )(uman gill”

“where is my sunny dee oh darn it did i lose it in the fall”

“You s)(ould just resign yourself to being trapped here. Company would be nice for a c)(ange, I’ve been stuck in )(ere for so long now…”

“what? no! i was sad earlier cause i keep fucking everything up and im going through some weird things but now im just annoyed at being stuck in the dark. ill get us out of here in a jiffy once i fix my legs.”

“Oh you sweet, innocent gill. The fuck ups never end. If you keep tryfin they just get worse and worse. The bigger the fis)(, the worse the flop. Better to seclude onself away and avoid furt)(er finjury.”

“lady you sound hella depressed”

“*giggle* so do you! You remind me of w)(en I first arrived here, fres)( out of the ruins of one empire ready to fuck up the next. I can )(ear the repression in your voice, *sniff* I smell the denial in your blood. An old friend taug)(t me that one after losing my eyes trying to salvage my t)(ird kingdom… A)(, miserable memories…”

“kingdoms? just how old are you”

“T)(ousands of years, I’ve lost count. I was the empress you know, the ruler of this entire world. Then war )(afinned and split the empire. I accidentally creraytedd a demonic mother glub tryfin to win it! Woops! *giggle*. But no, I thoug)(t to try again anyway for the )(alibut! And )(ow did that go? Queen of Life my Bass! The entire kingdom exploded and the seas turned into lava!!”

Sparks of flame errupt from the woman, granting brief glimpses of the room and its occupants.

John really wishes she wasn’t doing that.

The troll woman giggles with madness and rattles the broken chains manacled to her arms. The slideshow rave lights reveal a toothy maw and hollow eye sockets.

The laughter grows violent. “Oh Glub! This is why I polocked myself up! Not just to escape myself but to escape YOU! You )(umans are always so quick to remind me of my FAIL LURES! So w)(at if dumping )(im killed off the lowblood city? So what if that bitch t)(oug)(t s)(e could rule just ‘cause s)(e beat up some dragons! I was going to rule the STARS! To make things BETTER! T)(e world is so unfair, it’s like I was _meant to_ _die. _T)(is stupid game ruined EVERYT)(ING!”

“oh crap oh crap please calm down ill just quietly look for my juice ok”

She stands up with a snapping of ancient bones and looms over Egbert.

“Oh yes, you will be _very_ quiet. W)(at’s another dead )(uman )(m? So many died when I tried to save them, maybe I s)(ould have killed you allong along! Maybe Eridan was rig)(g)(fssssssssss”

A silver blade erupts from her throat and she collapses before John’s feet. Dave steps on her back and pulls his sword out from her and wipes the fuchsia blood off with her rags as her body fades to ash. A Great Soul shimmers in her place, ripe for the taking.

“please stop running off like that john that was fucking terrifying”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least he wasn't around very long.


	5. Frustration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party starts feeling a little homesick in the desolate land of Dranleic. Honestly the lack of technology would drive me insane but I digress; the teens are upset for a variety of reasons but the end is in sight! After some nonsense they make their way towards the final lord soul! This will surely lead them to the end of the game!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The third 'great soul', the DOOM soul, was obtained off-screen; nobody likes sewer dungeons. Combined with Feferi's LIFE soul and the LIGHT soul obtained from a generic demon in lethal lava land, the VOID soul should be all that remains, in theory.

Our heroes sit together at a collective crossroads. To the north lies the impregnable manor of Aldias Serket; even Rose’s increasingly potent sequence breaking skills could not breach its walls. To the west lies the sealed Shrine of winter and beyond it, Empress Vendri’s castle; there’s knee-high rubble in the way making it a mild inconvenience to traverse and thus _impossible_.

To the east their next destination; the fourth 'great soul'!

“ok if i have this right we got one more of these maguffins left to get before we can visit the troll queen to sit on a dusty throne that cures our zombie status and takes us home”

Jade throws more wood into the bonfire. It does nothing, but the gesture is comforting.

“that is what the lore says. at least this time we are exploring the woods! and not… that place…”

“what you didnt like middle earths garbage dump with bonus creepy poison shitting puppets? or maybe it was the sequel dank dump 2 green light boogaloo now with even more puppets and. no. no im done reminiscing lets just move on and finish this game. i cant believe it but i actually miss the regular puppets back home what the fuck is with this place? i fucking swear if hes out there doing this…”

“dave its ok if they were here we would have known. not even bec was able to follow us into the game and you know how he is! ”

“i just cant shake the feeling…”

“i miss my dad.”

“sorry john”

Egbert tightens their self-hugging motion.

“no dude its fine were so close to finishing and well see them again real soon. and hey we havent skeletons in ages fuck i ruined our boner freedom with that didnt i.”

Egbert grins into chuckles into full blown laughter. It echoes metalic from within their plate helmet.

“dude why you laughing bones are serious business this could be the calm before the calcium storm just an endless tide of skeletons amassing and making us paranoid while we were underground in the place we most expected them to be only to find zero bones. where were all the bones john? _where were all the bones_.”

Jade joins in the laughter and Dave gives a soft smile of success. Everyone feels good for a half second.

Rose returns from failed sequence breaking in the north with a scowl to sours the mood.

“John what are you doing with that alonne knight armour you don’t have the encumbrance to support such heavy gear _and_ duel wield hammers. And Dave what is with that outdated chest piece do you _want_ to die again? What must I do for you to take this assiduously?”

“ahem”

“hm?”

“What is wrong with my setup?”

“Nothing. You remain a potent force of unparalleled destruction in beautiful matching garb. But you are encouraging buffoonery with some of your spell slots.”

“i have more attunement than i have good killing magic. sometimes you need spells for fun not just efficiency! also how is it that you cast miracles so often without using the bonfire how do you atune?”

“Miracles work differently.”

“i am pretty sure they do not!”

“Are you a cleric? No. You are not. Now let us continue to the last lord soul; I need access to the shrine of winter and… wait, perhaps… You three go on ahead, I have one more hypothesis in need of trial.”

The three do not go ahead and instead stay to watch rose run off to a hill towards the area’s local fauna: cavemen with bulbous growths protruding from their naked crotches. Dave has already exhausted the jokes involving them but you can be sure their boners rivaled the skeletons’.

After a few attempts at the floaty thing, a complex method of breaking the laws of physics through the precise delfection of momentum off the correct sort of humanoid offensive attack that enables the user to fly, Rose succeeds. Then she vibrates in midair for a hot minute, which causes many noises of urgency, worry, and fear by the trio before rose blasts off at the speed of light and ricochets off a nearby aqueduct towards the now pregnable Serket mansion.

“do… do you think shes ok”

They stare at the bonfire for a moment, thinking perhaps she’ll spawn there. Of course, she’s never sat at any bonfires, so she wouldn’t appear even if she died.

“i guess if she isn’t she’ll appear at the start? maybe? lets just go its not like she contributes much until the last minute anyway.”

“John…”

“ugh. sorry i guess?”

“this game is just as hard on her as it is on you there is no need to be rude!”

“i… bluh! every thing is annoying! lets just finish this!”

John stomps off onto the eastern path.

Very.

Slowly.

“dude i think rose was right thats way too heavy here let me take it off for you”

“no! Dave! ah! don’t look at meeeee”

Dave pulls the helmet off revealing a very green and zombie-like Egbert. They recoil and bury their face in their arms.

“dude?”

“john! john calm down!”

“Calm down? you guys have no idea what the fuck i’m going through right now! _I_ have no idea what the fuck i’m going through! but im sure as hell none of it would happen if I were still at home or if a better fucking game sucked us into it. Now my face is all messed up and green and shedding skin im probably turning into a snake or something”

“dude we get it this shit sucks we just had a moment about it. we can have another if you want i got plenty more material on-”

“the boner men are the LAST thing I want to hear about right now!”

Tears are bursting through Egbert's fingers and down their cheeks.

“I don’t even understand why you guys hate it here isn’t it better than living at home? Away from fucked up siblings or weird magic dog parents? Even Rose is obsessed with finishing and she’s always bitching about her and I don’t understand any thing like sure the tech here isn’t as great but you’re all immortal wizards instead of having shitty homes!”

“This is not a contest about who has worse life at home now take this and stop crying!”

Jade shoves the small figurine into john’s hands with a hmph. 

Egbert wipes away some of the tears with a “bwuh?”

“all the other stuff is a big deal and were totally here for you man but one step at a time. The green skin thing? youre just going full zombie dude you gotta use these weird toys like jade gave to fix it have you never done it before?”

“…no?”

“didnt you listen to the grandmas when we got here? you hold it close to your chest and look deep into it picturing your ‘true self’ or some nonsense and the doll burns away and you go back to normal. why did you think you were turning into a snake man thats kinda random and this is me were talking about”

Jade hmms and ponders john with a hand to their chin.

“its uh. nothing dave. paranoia? haha…wouldn’t think that because I splooshed around in that snake troll’s poison pool or anything nope…”

“john, my dude, I was with you and i die way more than you i think i would be a snake man long before you if that were the case. shit you barely die no wonder you didnt notice youre almost as good as rose at this game wow”

Jade grins with a smug aura. “i think i get it now. but yes john it is ok even when you are being a bit of a jerk we have to stick together. Cure your zombie and then we can talk. or even just adventure more and talk later and let it all out on the monsters!”

“wow jade i thought you were gonna get all hopping mad for a second now youre radiating more cheer than when rose gives you headpatfffs”

Jade shoves a healing gem in Dave’s mouth and pats john on the shoulder, who then sighs with relief and sniffles the last of the emotional sads away. They stare into the featureless figurine, trying to imagine themselves, their ‘true self’. It’s… dificult. It takes a few minutes. What even _is _a true self? They shove those thoughts aside for later and just picture normal skin. Better skin even. With weak sign the figurine crumbles to ash and john no longer resembles the dead.

“Right. Sorry. every thing got to me but fighting sounds way more fun than more depressed blabbery so lets go smash things!”

“Sure sure john”

“alright dude but remember if you wanna actually talk and introspect im here for you.”

Dave also pats john on the shoulder. Cheer has been restored; it’s time for adventure!

* * *

Three tired adventurers collapse upon reaching the Doors of Pharos bonfire. The journey so far has had giant scorpion-taur woman give Jade a new death experience being double penetrated by twin venomous stingers, Dave get stoned in a basilisk nest, and John get pounded by an elephant man. At least a harpy blacksmith was rescued from a terrible fate? This land is rough.

A sly voice crawls out of the shadows to greet them and ensure there is no resting.

“:33 < ah, this one s33s that the cat has come back!”

“what?”

“oh fuck no”

“:33 < oh furck yes! did you not enjoy our previous catfight?

“why do you even hang around with the rats youre all cat themed”

“:33 < this one gets to eat all the naughty ones and hunt everyone who disturbs their burrows. what more could a kitty ask for? Mrow”

“dave who is this i don’t remember them.”

“you fell deeper underground right away only jade and i got stuck in the rat race shes just-

“:33 < this one is renowned throughout the lands as Authority, the royal cat, miss sun-walker. ‘tis a purrrleasure to make your acquaintance”

“uh im not a miss?”

Jade giggles.

“:33 < purrrdon the mistake, you just smell of royal purrrfume. this curious cat will not pry into why, even if she really would like to know.”

“good. Can you leave us alone?”

“:33 < alas, this one cannot, for she is one of the Rat King’s guardians! To have audience with his royal highness, one must defeat Authority the Royal Cat in single combat! Wait where are you going?”

“one i already met the rat king and while an ok dude im not really into rubbing my bossom with sludge thanks also two you just sent an army of rats at me last time i know your tricks. that way didnt lead anywhere new and I doubt this one does either. jade, john, we took a wrong turn lets head back”

“:33 > awww, but I was so looking furward to a rematch? Would purrrhaps the sw33t scented one wish to battle? It would please this one very much”

“you know what? sure. yeah. let’s do this”

“john no wait”

“:33 > purrrfect! this one will wait for you in the room beyond!

The filthy catgirl troll fades into the shadows with a shimmer of her golden eyes.

“oh thank god shes gone good one john this is why youre the trickmaster hey wait no why are you leaving dont tell me you were serious”

“ok, i won’t”

“damnit john we cant help and she only meant single combat for...”

John ignores the warnings and steps into the large chamber beyond the bonfire. The foggy smoke seals them inside. A disheveled john appearifies out of the fire not two seconds later.

“...you”

“she turned into a giant cat and before i could hit her a bunch of rats ate my legs.”

“thats a new one. but this is what i was talking about john i never beat her last time it was jade. who decided to just stay quiet this entire time oh theyre asleep.”

“oh. well, maybe we should rest then?”

“yeah… its been a long… day? time is fucked here. conking out sounds good.”

“i’m… just gonna go back to town and take care of some things first.”

“you want any help?”

“no! i mean, it’s just mundane stuff and upgrades i’ll be done in a jiffy.”

“again? whatever, sure man, you do you. i’m goin the fuck to sleep”

Dave dramatically falls to the floor. John channels the fire’s magic to warp away. Jade opens one eye with a smirk.

* * * 

Egbert steps down the sandy hills. The ogres no longer spawn on the ashen beach; enemies tend to repopulate the lands but kill them enough and they stay dead for good. John sometimes wonders if them and their friends have limited lives too, but Jade’s numerous deaths seem to say otherwise so it rarely stays in their mind for long.

They take a deep breath and step slowly towards the coffin. Then they freeze. A fireball wisks by.

John turns to Jade, who stands atop the hill, arm extended and crackling with magic.

“caught in the act, egbert! i think we need to have a little chat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eg all over their face.


	6. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Egbert have their conversation. It does not go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There isn't enough dark souls in this chapter; have some souls deep lore in rose's stead as she explores the mansion of Aldias Serket. 
> 
> Aldias was a lore collector and chose the path of research instead of their genetic counterpart, who chose to heroism and royalty and formed the empire of Drangleic. Over the course of rulership, the zombiefication curse spread like a plague after a temporary dormancy and empress Vendri invaded the land of Carpacians, whom never succumbed to the curse, to steal their greatest treasure; the Throne of Want. In theory, it would help dispel the curse and eliminate the hollow and husked undead forever. Clearly, it did not. When Vendri disapeared, Aldias shut themselves at home. Rumours say you can hear the screams of enslaved carpatians undergoing sick experiments just outside the manor walls.

Two teenage siblings sit by each other on the grey beach of an ashen lake leaning against a massive ornate coffin. They stare out at sea in awkward silence.

“So…”

“So?”

“yeah…”

“yeah?”

“um…”

“…you’re the one who said we needed to have a chat!”

“i do not know what to say! this interrogation was far more successful in my mind!”

“well, we could go back to the bonfire and forget any of this ever happened?”

“no! i will not let you bury this! finding this coffin helped me so much, it helped me discover things about myself i didn’t even know existed and i know it can help others. even _you_”

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

“ugh! i mean that you are so hard to deal with sometimes! why don’t you ever just say what is on your mind?”

“why don’t you?”

“BLUH!”

Jade casts a magic bolt at the water. A honk faintly bubbles out from the ink depths, though neither teen hears it.

“why are you so mad about this anyway its my body i can do what i want”

“i’m not mad! i just want to help you figure things out.”

“i liked it better when you and rose spent less time together”

“ok, _what?”_

“she did the psychiatrist thing way better and you doing it is just weird. like it isn’t ironic at all. you’d think dave would rub off on you more”

“what the hell john?”

“yeah i said it. you wanna talk? you wanna _interrogate _me? well here you go. you were better when you were a girl and rose wasn’t mean like-“

“**_excuse me_**”

“I… that’s not what I meant…just like, everything was normal. i didn’t mean… i’m just really frustrated i… im sorry Jade”

Jade huffs and punches the sand but manages to control their temper.

“first off, rose has always been mean i thought that’s why we liked her, and secondly John i am still me, just like you are still you”

“that’s the problem! i don’t want to be me! the coffin doesn’t even do any thing magic like you said ok sure it gave me tits and whatever but i’m still me and i still look the same and…”

Jade raises an eyebrow and leans over to Egbert, intruding upon both their words and their personal space to examine them more closely. “huh… I thought you were sneaking here to change-“

“SEE! none of you even noticed!”

“so _that’s_ why you used the poison perfume…”

“and not even that worked! i keep coming here but I never changed back and i don’t know why and none of you noticed like, the problem-“

“wait do you mean this whole time… why did you keep saying you weren’t a girl to those trolls? heck why didn’t the townsfolk realize they did for rose…”

“Because i’m not! aren’t I still a boy even if do this? or am I just some sicko… argh! what does it even mean jade? you escaped gender don’t you have the answer?

“oh right the plate mail duh rose had those sexy robes not full armour and uh, john it’s not that simple or well it is but, see gender is fake”

“if it’s so fake then why can’t I just do what you do? ugh rose was right, maybe for some people it just doesn’t work that way. forget it. im getting back in the coffin for real this time and going back to normal”

“no john wait!”

“ugh even that name is annoying now i had it for 3 years why _now_.”

But egbert was… really doing it? Their glasses reflect away their eyes in the ambient lighting as they start pulling a leg up to the lip of the coffin. Jade looks on in terror and… and acts! They remember rose’s advice, the advice they disagreed with before, preferring to let others figure things out for themselves at their own pace. _Fuck _that, rose was right! Sometimes people need a push!

Jade’s hair and robes rise up with the crackling of arcane energy.

“uh, jade what are you doing-“

With raised hand they shout “SOUL SPEAR!”. Egbert instinctively dodge rolls out of the attack, but it was never aimed at them; Jade is still not Rose. It strikes upon broad side of the coffin and blasts it out of the sand of the sand and into the water. The lid drifts off to sea while the heavier bottom half sinks vertically in the wet shoreline.

“Oh no the lid! John im sorry! I only meant to slow you down and think things through but i didn’t want to actually _hurt_ you even if that doesn’t matters but now, oh no what have i done?

Egbert blinks. Then laughs with a tinge of regret.

“John?”

“not much I can do now! thanks for the talk jade real helpful! you sure solved my problems for me!”

“john…”

“i’m going back to camp and having a nice long nap. see you there jade!”

Egbert pulls from their inventory and snaps an enchanted teleportation bone to warp away, leaving jade to sulk alone.

* * *

Egbert arrives back at the rat king’s lair to find Dave and Authority the Royal Cat huddled up together scribbling up shitty comics and character sheets. When he sees his friend looking down at their handiwork, he hastily covers it up and scoots away from the catgirl.

“yo man whats up? you seen Jade around?”

“nope!”

Egbert walks off.

“uh, where you goin now?”

“we’re zombies right? We don’t actually need to sleep. i’m not sure i’m even tired. hey do you think everything will go back to normal when we win?”

“i dunno what normal even is anymore dude”

“guess i’ll find out on my own. anyway, see ya!”

“hey wait”

But Authority glomps dave, pinning him to the floor. “:33 > oh no you don’t! we aren’t furinished yet! your furiend is strong enough to take on the Duke alone anyway!”

“aaaaah!”

Dave is smothered with affection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry about Dave; cats roughhouse all the time.


	7. Sequence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade confides in Dave about what they've done. John encounters an annoying bug. Rose... breaks the damn game again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somewhere, an ancient dragon takes its final breath.

“you WHAT!?”

“i’m sorry! i thought it was the right thing to do! like it would be what rose would do!”

“rose is terrible at stuff like this! just being like that for a few seconds was really weird for jade what the fuck why would you do who knows how this could have done to him?”

“i thought it would help them understand themselves faster!”

“you cant speedrun character development jade”

Jade wipes at their paradoxically dry and tearful eyes; it had been a long night. Day. Time. Jade had spent hours scouring the ashen ocean in search of the lid and even longer digging the base out of the muck.

“you are right. i should have listened to my heart and not Rose’s logic there. but it is ok! i fixed it! the coffin is back together on the beach again we just need to find John!”

“i havent seen him since he went off to get the last maguffin. he seemed like he needed to vent and hes real good at the game so.”

“so you decided to cuddle with the the catgirl in the bone pile?”

“hey i was giving my good pal some space to calm down and im tryin to get over my fear of bones and look she is more cat than girl seriously you should try it out she can purr for real jade”

“uhuh”

“yeah. also we rped a bit theres nothing wrong with a little rping between friends”

“mhmm”

“so yeah i thought john would be ok on his own but its been a while lets go check up on him while im still waist deep in the cat hole and not completely swallowed up by the hole im still digging myself but its fine cause it really was just friendly playful business nothing more than that jade stop smiling like that im serious”

“i believe you :)”

“ok then lets go save john and by save i mean show up just before he lands the final blow on the boss and then hears the good news and were all chill as a boneyard again in time for rose to have beaten the final boss ahead of us without even needing the four elemental souls of bleakness, sadness, depression, and misery. i bet the you don't even need them and theres some weird plot twist where you lose them or theyre just a big dumb key and if you get a bigger badder soul the game just throws its arms up and lets you pass.”

“:D”

* * *

Egbert smashes giant spider boss’ head so hard it snaps right off with a loud crunch of chitin. “fuck yeah!”

They proceed to do a victory dance in celebration for two-hitting this so called ‘great soul’ boss to death, as this was the second head they’d knocked off the monster and the second hammer swing made.

Then its legs kick the enthusiasm out of them.

“oh god damn it really?”

The boss continues to fight, headless and without a hitbox; the Duke’s dear Freja was carefully grown to be invincible should its foe be so strong as to decapitate its heads in a single blow. Powerful magic, and certainly not a massive bug, has made this spidermom _strong_.

It fights aimlessly with complete invulnerability to all attacks.

“ARRRRG!”

Once it becomes apparent that there is no victory here, Egbert screams again and throws themselves off the arena's convenient insta-death cliff and pops out of the bonfire high up on the cliff above the spider infested town ruins.

They yell a third time in frustration at how far this set them back. The 'arghs' echo down the valley. Several spiders fall off their perches. 

“Something troubling you John?”

“LOTS OF THINGS! Wait, rose?”

“The one and… no. I mean yes. John. I discovered a method to bypass the shrine of winter without the lord souls”

“oh good does that mean we don’t need to go through arachnid village again cause those wizards down there are jerks and there are just soooooooo many spiders”

“Oh no, you most certainly will be required to go back down there.”

“aw drats”

“But not without this.”

Rose hands Egbert a pure white orb. It feels intangible yet still its presence is undeniable in their palm. Light does not appear to interact with the orb and passes through as if it weren’t there.

It also feels strangely familiar.

“This is the Ashen Heart of Breath and I have reason to believe you should wield it. Now, I have a few things to take care of, but such tasks should be completed in time to accompany you after the boss fight. See you again soon john”

“so wait, rose, if the shrine is open why don’t we just go and beat the game?” 

Rose pauses as a enemy’s broken sword bounces uselessly off her shield.

“Hmm?”

“You said you found a way past so, we could just skip that and go back home?”

The hollow soldier manages an insignificant blow; it splatters some blood but she doesn't even flinch. Rose’ poise is too strong.

“All that blocked us from the castle was knee-high rubble John. We need a _different _item to actually _complete_ the game. The lord souls are, to put it plainly, optional.”

“So this thing is just a key to the _real_ maguffin then?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes, you hold a key. Now I really must be going; I have a date with a woman who doesn’t know I exist”

“What?”

But Rose is already in rolling up and away.

“You really make me mad some times Rose. oh well. fighting zombie wizards is _like_ fighting rose and jade.”

Egbert grins, raises their hammer, and hops off the cliff with a plunging attack. They never saw it coming.

* * *

The blue-steel door of the Shrine of Winter shudders in the presence of Rose's incredibly powerful soul and splits in half before creaking open. Inside is a small chamber containing a statue of three snakes entwined.

Rose enters and sets a hand upon the serpent statue. She feels its spacial enchantment lift her body and transfer it across the aether. She… shouldn’t be willing to use teleportation magic, but here she is.

“It isn’t teleportation that matters, it’s the means by which you do it.” Rose says to nobody, trying to comfort her anxieties.

She arrives atop a mountain city wreathed in snow and monumental walls of stone. A massive gate lies shut before her.

“You, Approaching Eleum Loyce, Turn Back.”

A thunderous clatter of vine on stone errupts from the ground and forces the gate open with fiery rage before plantlike tendrils freeze solid before Rose’s eyes.

“If you really wanted me to leave, why’d you open the front gate?”

“The Old Chaos Hungers Still. Go Back. Aava Is Watching”

“Invisible tiger lusus, I know.”

Within the city walls, a blizzard most fierce torments the eyes with blinding white. As a Sage of Sequence Breaking, she doesn’t need more than the faint puffs of snow cast by its movements to fight the beast. It falls before her in a single clean stroke of lightning imbued blade across its neck.

“H-How Did You”

Rose steps into the chapel the guardian was protecting with her head tilted back and a smug aura exuding from her smile.

“What can I say? I am simply brilliant”

“Who Are You?”

“You may consider me as, let's say a friend.”

“Well, Friend, Though You Have Proven Capable, This Land Is Cursed And It Will Take More Than That To”

“Wait, Where Are You Going”

“Your ‘curse’ is within beyond this locked gate, is it not?”

“Yes, But”

“Then let me end her suffering, my darling Kanaya”

From far above, the Queen of Ice, Rainbow Drinker Kanaya feels warmth for the first time in millennia.

She blushes.

Some of her ice tendrils barring passage up the stairs shatter.

“You Know My Name. Who Are You?”

“Rose Lalonde, Seer of light. Ring a bell? No? Didn’t think so. Now hold on just a moment”

Kanaya gasps and reaches out over the railing as rose blasts the door blocking way to the gaping hole in the temple floor. Spires of ice rush to block the path but it’s too late. Rose Descends. 

Out of the cold and into an furnace, Rose arrives among overgrown roots and vines sprouting from an ocean of magma. The heat is unbearable and scorched knights crawl out of the flames to face the challenger. For this is one of the game's ultimate challenges.

A challenge the Game intended to be completed with gathered help from knights scattered across the frozen wasteland outside.

A challenge to defeat the Queen’s Wife, who had ventured long ago into the flames to dispel the curse and never returned. To defeat A powerful warrior of light whose soul yet continues to feed the fires of chaos.

A challenge meant for a full party, which Rose boldly solos in defiance. 

The charred husk of an ancient Vriska never saw it coming. Her head rolls cleanly off, tumbling into the infernal abyss bellow crown and all. 

Absorbing her radiant essence, Rose ascends with orange robes aglow, flying on her own power. The floaty thing glitch has become obsolete.

“Interesting. It’s just as he said; the demon only had _part_ of the Lord soul of Light. It would appear to be split amongst all of this game’s serkets.”

“I Do Not Understand What You Mean, But, You Did It You Freed Her Soul From The Curse.”

“About that, there isn’t much to be done in regards to the Chaos Grub’s Calamity. In theory it should dissipate on its own should less bodies be thrown into the Kiln, however.

“I… Will Keep That In Mind And Guard It Until The Cursed Mother Grub Finally Rests. I Cannot Thank You Enough For Helping Me, I Thought I Would Be Keeping It Frozen Here Forever And Hold on-”

The emotionally metaphorical ice walls blocking the stairs don’t matter anymore as Rose dives in to embrace the ageless vampire troll. All shatter in unison.

“There is no need, either to thank me or to stay. I did what was required to save the world, and I am not referring to this sadistic game. Though, I must apologise for this, my dearest Kanaya”

"I… Ah… Why…”

Rose pulls her sword from Kanaya’s torso. It sparks with undead-purging miracle. They tear up in unison.

“I need your soul, too”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> D:<


	8. The Spider Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Egbert reconcile by means of spiders. Dave now has arachnophobia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The area of the game our heroes are at is Brightstone Cove Tseldora and it is filled with spiders. Imagine copying a jpg of a spider and just spamming ctrl+v forever. The spiders are not described in too much detail but for those it may concern, there is some.

Egbert respawns at the cliff bonfire for a third time since rose left. Tilting is very real danger; anger only pushes one so far before it clouds judgement and sends you into a spiral of endless loss.

“HOW! i did this perfect the first time why is it so hard now?!”

“hey dude. i thought for sure wed have to beat up an entire fortress of dwarves before we caught up with you. that one merchant dwarf was so cool i thought they would all be friendly but bam the guy just throws his huge ass axe right at me like it was nothing man. you didnt piss off any dwarves on the way here did you cause id be mad upset if i missed another chance to wheel and or deal with drunk gimli”

“oh hi dave. no i didn’t hurt any dwarves that didn’t hurt me first but you did miss gavlan i think his name was. i sold off the shitty armor to up grade and i actually made it to this areas boss but now i keep getting lost trying to jump down these cliffs its so frustrating!”

“yeah i know what you mean i just died myself here have another effigy”

“thanks”

“kermit was right its not easy being green your health starts to drop the more green zombie you become but yeah this area is ridiculous john why are there so many spiders its like they saw what the skeletons were doing and got jealous hey do you think having an exoskeleton counts as being a skeleton”

“aaah!”

Jade appearifies from the bonfire clawing at the back of her neck.

“hey jade youre just in time to here me figure out the deep lore behind the great spider and skeleton war”

“nope! we are not talking about spiders or skeletons or how they interact with each other! because i discovered a new way to die and i do not like it! do not let the spiders grab on to your back”

“oh is that how the man-spiders are formed that makes sense they grab onto you and start to merge with your flesh and take over your brain from the spine and you know this is real disturbing and youre right i dont want to think about cronenburg spider people john come back were done talking about it

But Egbert jumps off the cliff, having left the moment Jade respawned.

“): are they are still upset?”

“maybe maybe not who can tell but i think someone throwing themselves off a cliff to avoid you the moment you arrive might mean theyre upset just a hunch”

But Egbert cannot simply run away from this confrontation and misses the landing and dies immediately. They pop out from the bonfire onto their back with crossed arms bearing the poutiest grump face they can manage.

“dude maybe we should tackle this area together”

“. . .”

“john i fixed the coffin and i promise not to nag about it or interfere again ok?”

John’s face scrunches up tighter before getting up and facing away from their friends.

“ugh, fine”

“:D”

“alright lets go exterminate these skeleton wannabes hey whats the boss of this place anyway”

“more spiders”

“aw man really i thought maybe after the last arachnid boss they might do something different like maybe some insane muscle prince riding a dragon who just really loved spiders you know a total nonsequitor”

With the refreshed mindset of a player who recently catnapped and the long ranged prowess of a spellcaster, Egbert is able to overcome the tilt and progress past the cliffs of an abandoned mining town. and into spidermom’s den; a half-collapsed stone temple carved into the cliffside.

“it really is nothing but spiders the whole way down huh they just drop the pretense of enemy variety in the cliffs by removing the wizards and just putting more spiders instead. i guess its not as bad as poison puppet hell but seriously even that place had creepy hand monsters and a zombie katamari this is just tedious they arent even throwing zombiespidermen anymore its litterally _just spiders spiders and more spiders_.

“yeeeeeeeep”

“im running out of magic guys there are just too many of them!”

“just a little further and we can be done with this”

Finally, after a three digit bug-squashing score, the party arrives at the fog door nestled between the web-infested walls of what might have once been ornate decorated halls. They step into the cavernous chamber that is the boss' lair and The Duke’s Dear Freja descends with an army of spiders from the ceiling to greet them.

“here she is, spider boss whose butt is also a spider, surrounded by more god damn spiders”

“i can see why thing might have beaten you now yeah”

“it didn’t beat me it cheated! i dunno how but it survived with no hitbox after i broke both its heads one shot each”

“maybe it is a puzzle boss then? wait is that a petrified dragon up there in its nest?”

“if it ate a dragon maybe that’s how it got so bigAH!”

A spider pounces Dave, its maw just barely parried. More spiders close in on him.

“ill uh round up the little ones you guys handle the big momma”

“on it! shall we flank it, john?”

“do whatever”

“john!”

“just hit it with that huge spell you blasted the coffin with, it worked out great last time”

“UGH seriously john this is NOT the time!”

But jade tries the suggestion anyway, because making enemies explode with bolts of ferocious magic is how the wizard do. Unfortunately, the spidermom’s hitbox is janky as fuck and “CRYSTAL SOUL SPEAR” smashes harmlessly into the monster’s invulnerable chitinous shell despite appearing to have nailed the head. With so few charges of magic left, Jade holds back on firing more.

“oh no! it appears to be immune to my spells? this is very much not working out great!”

“damn it! i… now im scared to break the head off like i did last time. if your magic doesn’t work i don’t…. i don’t know what will.”

Egbert takes a few stray hits while they panic, falling into a cycle of healing and getting hit mid-healing and thus needing to heal again, quickly draining their estus flask of life granting orange juice. Jade does a better job of dodging but their robe armour means a single hit can sometimes be fatal all its own.

“hey you guys gotta figure something out quick these spiders keep coming no matter what and i think the spider goo is melting my sword”

“john i have an idea! maybe we need to hit both heads at the same time!”

“that… could work i guess? it sounds videogame enough”

“i only have two more shots before im stuck hitting it with my staff we have to make it count”

“right. ok. on three, I guess? you ready?”

Dancing between mandible strikes, Jade finds an oppening. “ready!”

“Three, Two-”

“CRYSTAL SOUL SPEAR”

This time the spell hits home and the boss’ healthbar drops by a quarter. It shrieks in anger and mounts up the aggression against the invasive adventurers by spitting clouds of acid and creating sparks of electricity with the stomping of its many legs.

“jade what the hell why did you fire early!”

“you said on three! Sorry! but i think it was a hidden blessing! we learned it is not magic immune only magic resistant. we need to try again!”

“guys my sword just broke”

John tries to sip more magic sunny d, but the flask is empty. a stray spider knocks their health to critical.

“oh no no no i cant do this ugh even when im too strong and have everything im too weak!”

“you can john! i believe in you! you’ve been doing great this whole time and i know i made a mistake but if we work together and communicate better we can beat this game and everything else after! Maybe we fuck up again but we have to try anyway!”

“oh fu-”

Dave is buried beneath a sea of spiders.

John fights the fear, grips their hammer tight, and shouts “OK! ON ONE! THREE”

Jade dives into positon.  
“TWO”

John dodge-rolls through a spiders attack and makes a running leap.

“ONE!”

In unison the the mighty wizard and powerful warrior howl as their wills force magic and steel upon the tenacious beast and crush its healthbar into nothingness. Drained of life, its legs give out and its body collapses to the ground in a cloud of dust.

Dave sighs with relief, limbs outstretched in the dirt as the spiders flee in defeat just before dealing a killing blow.

Jade drops to her knees, panting and completely drained or magical energy. “we. we did it!”

“perfect timing”

“we did, huh, yeah” John says, leaning against their hammer as though it were a cane and smiling for the first time in a while. “i never wanna see another spider again lol”

In a final bout of spite, Freja’s corpse explodes into a cloud of aether sending its heads rolling off at high speeds. It barely whiffs the agile Jade but strikes John head on and knocks them into the air and hurling over the arena’s convenient insta-kill pit.

“JOHN!”

“NOT AGAAAAAAAAIN”

White light emanates from Egbert’s inventory; the orb Rose had given them, the Ashen Heart of Breath, activates. With Freja’s will no longer imposing, the petrified dragon’s soul reaches out and pulls the Ashen Heart’s bearer into its memory. John vanishes a flash of brilliance before gravity claims them.

* * *

Rose breaches the inner sanctum of Shulva, the sunken city, her second destination since the frozen lands from the Shrine of winter. Since then she has aquired another part of the Dark Soul, though graciously its keeper had long since faded into little more than a shade. This time, rose isn’t quite as fortunate. An aura of light illuminates all around her, revealing tainted water, rotting corpses, and a lone standing figure in spoiled robes whose skin glimmers white.

Another jadeblood. Another rainbow drinker. They stand hunched over a tall staff, limbs dry and shriveled with protruding bone from the sunken city’s miasma.

“Why Do You Disturb My Fallen City.”

“Ah, I really should have known.”

She lifts her head high and grasps her staff with strength that betrays her deathly appearance. It sparks with arcane energy.

“Leave Now Or You Shall Join The Rest” She commands, gesturing with her staff at the surrounding dead.

“After finding the ashen kingdom’s Kanaya already dead, I thought perhaps I might only need collect the fallen fragments of another shattered soul. The fool I was for believing I would only require murdering another Rose’s wife a single time. Certainly it won’t be the last” Rose sighs.

“My Cursed Wife Has Long Since Perished, Devoured By A Revenge Seeking Dragon. You Will Join Her”

The hollow Kanaya fires a bolt of corrupted light at Rose, who shifts head head slightly to let it whizz by harmlessly. Her hair sways from the force of the magic missile.

“I do not think it will hurt quite so much to kill you, however. You are hardly the Darling these visions of alternate Me’s grant.”

“Hmph!”

Hollow Kanaya Extends her arms and chants the words of necromancy, raising the dead around her. Rose gives a snide look of disapproval and snaps her fingers. A burst of holy force erupts around her and oblitherates the undead before they finish getting up.

Crossing her arms rose shifts her position. “Is that all?”

“What Brazen Insolence! Forever You Shall Rot!” She roars, wielding her staff with both hands now and slamming it into the muck. The air swirls around it and from the blight rises a shining warrior bearing the Serket signaturehorns.

“ch!” Rose grins. This is what she’s after; another shard of the Lord Soul of Light.She charges fist fist first into the conjured memory of Hollow Kanaya’s dead wife and pulls the fabricated soul fragment from its chest before it even finishes being summoned.

“hm, hardly a blip at this point, but every little bit helps when it comes to unraveling the ultimate self.”

Rose crushes the soul, absorbing it into herself and destroying the aethereal Serket.

“What ARE you?!” the hollowed Kanaya screeches. Her cry is left unanswered when Rose blasts her with holy lightning at point blank. In an instant, all that remains of her is a lingering black flame, a fragment of the Dark Soul.

“I’ll be taking that as well, thank you. Only one more to go…”

Rose steps back towards where she entered, radiating sparks of shadow now just as much as she does light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where's Vriska? This was the eighth chapter what the fuck? No that fake summon doesn't count it wasn't even Vriska it was Yorhgh Serket. Ok ok maybe next chapter, whenever that happens.


End file.
